Galvanic Viagra of the 1850’s

remedy

rem 1
You’d never guess the tremendous amount of pain George is in just by looking at him.

Imagine if you will: you are visiting an old friend for the evening, with the intention of getting wrecked on brandy and discussing Important Matters, such as the price of New Guinea slate, how rich you are, and how much the French are all round bad sorts. You arrive, your coat is taken, and at the behest of the manservant, you enter the drawing room to see your friend seated in his chair. A pungent stink of vinegar strikes your nostrils, but he does make a habit of purchasing those mephitic colognes from the Continent; strong smells about his person are never new.

What alarms you is the stunned and transfixed expression your chum is wearing. He appears to be paralyzed, shivering ever so slightly, gaze fixed, as if in a state of extreme pain. Having a distant relative once removed who was a doctor, you feel amply informed to make a diagnoses. That said, it wouldn’t do to accidentally murder the old chap.

Do you:

  1. run into the streets and attempt to locate an actual physician?
  2. find the nearest set of tobacco-bellows and commence resuscitation, as this is clearly a case of severe angina?
  3. or move to the liquor cabinet, prepare a drink to settle your constitution, then take care of matters later?

The answer is: none of the above!

rem 2
Receiving this gift at Christmas = definition of ‘mixed feelings’

Your friend is undoubtedly enjoying the benefits of the hottest therapeutic wearable of the 1850’s, Pulvermacher’s Self-Applicable Restorative Galvanic Chain Belt! He smiles weakly – he states that his neuralgia pain is almost completely cured – even if the throbbing sensation in his brain is starting to worsen, but never mind that now…

Invented in 1853 by Isaac Pulvermacher, endorsed by Many Reputable Totally Not Imaginary Doctors, this galvanic wonder-device can cure almost anything! Including, but limited to: chronic headaches, nervous maladies, shakes, tuberculosis, gonorrhea, muscular waste and decay and cancerous tumors. Don’t waste your time consulting trained doctors, they’ll probably infect you anyway. Instead, trust the tried and tested products of the Pulvermacher Galvanic Company!

rem 3
Completely Reputable! Utterly Trustworthy! It’s got the inventor’s signature and everything!

Simply douse the patented Pulvermacher’s Galvanic Chain Belt in a vinegar solution, wrap it about the problem area and then grip the corners of your chair until you can’t take the pain anymore. If you’re not one for pain, use over clothing. It doesn’t matter that you can barely feel anything. It’s only necessary to Feel Something so you know it’s Doing Something Helpful. Then you’ll tell yourself you feel better to justify the amount of money you spent.

But wait! There’s more!

Sirs! Having difficulty in the bed chamber? Not able to play ‘Mr Fireman Hides His Helmet’ with quite the regularity of youth? Not able to Engage In Conjugal Activities That Are Almost Certainly of Foreign Origin? Not able to coax the old boy— well, you get the idea.

Never fear! The Pulvermacher Galvanic Chain belt comes with several assisting accessories, including a finely woven metal sack designed to contain the Delicate Extremities, to aid you in becoming the Responsive Husband you always knew you could be. Just attach the accessory to the belt, grit your teeth and prepare yourself for the most painful experience of your life, while you effortlessly invigorate your Manly Performance (or eradicate it permanently).

rem 4This simple device will cure any deficiencies and allow you to perform the Unseemly Yet Necessary Monthly Marital Duties with vigor (note: remember to remove the apparatus PRIOR to conjugal duties, or it’ll be the last time she lies back and thinks of England with you, we guarantee it).

A note from Dr. Pembroke: This piece of quackery was sold in vast numbers. Its use has since declined, thankfully, although I’m told that future planned versions may involve placing it over the abdominal area to stimulate muscle growth. As if that kind of application could possibly be taken seriously in this modern day and age….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s